...and other dirty secrets of the slimy undercarriage of society. The people that do this? Well, they're part of the 99%.
I'll get to them in a minute. First, a few thoughts on having children and pets simultaneously...
When Casa du 7DB was first claimed a few years back, adding a pet seemed like a decent idea. Problem was, we already had three critters in tow. Now we have five, plus a delightful human addition. Initial reaction says that young Seven will grow up loving pets. Then, the realization hits...
A manager at my work recently lost his family cat, after a long illness. He has an elementary-school age daughter at home, and he had to break the news that kitty was not alive anymore. 7DB will have similar discussions with his young'uns... five times. Five times before the first one reaches high school. And then, the reflex response to 'replace' the one who passes...the head swivels like Linda Blair in rehearsals at the thought of it.
Moral of the story: pets and children have to be considered acquisitions. (Hold the moral outrage... we all know the word 'acquire' makes this sentence awkward. It also makes it damned effective.) By considered acquisitions, the implication is that these choices are not to be entered into lightly or flippantly, as the long-term ramifications are not simple, inexpensive or emotionally easy to handle.
With that said, the Casa du 7DB would feel incomplete without any of them. Damnit.
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Relating to pets, our slightly deranged neighbors at PETA want to ask you this Holiday season: Would you eat the family dog?
In a planned billboard advertisement, the animal activist group suggests that eating turkey on Thanksgiving is the equivalent to serving Filet of Fido with a nice Bernaise reduction sauce. It is obvious in its inflammatory nature, yet people that represent the group claim it is basically the same, minus the emotional attachment we have attached to puppies and kitties.
And they're exactly right. Which makes them dead wrong.
We have formed emotional attachments to man's best friend, and to little furry cats that will sit in our laps on rainy days. We also have not attached them to flightless birds that are environmentally destructive and produce high-protein, low-fat servings of nourishment, as well as yummy gravy. This is not in dispute. What is in dispute is why these activists have attached their emotional baggage to the oblivious creatures.
Our society has a thousand-year old opinion of mammals as a food source, and conscious-driven sufferers of delusion have not existed for more than a century. While I myself choose not to use a stun gun and slit the throats of my dinner, I also will not object to tasting the results. As a society, we have more than tripled our life expectancy through a diet of animal product, plus found cures for thousands of illnesses. We have fed millions of people with various product created by these hapless animals.
It is apparently covered in the Constitution that these idealists can assault our sensibilities with romanticized guilt trips about what we chew at home, but it would be an offense for me to show up in front of their house and eat a Double-Double from In-'n-Out. Disappointingly, it rests on the free market to take up the billboard space near the schools these corn-fed hobos wish to target, using the donations of decent people who wish to stop horrifying things like puppy mills and other forms of animal abuse, and let our kids make these choices themselves when they become old enough to do so.
Make sure that you know the difference between PETA and the ASPCA. Other than those damned Sarah McLachlan commercials that air at 2:30 in the morning, the two organizations couldn't be more different. Support the later, and ignore the former.
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Seven Dollar Bill would like to take this time to announce an Occupy movement that truly represents the 99%, both in ideology and in form of protest. We can promise that you will not be asked to donate money or goods, and the amount of time you give will be eminently rewarding.
It's called "Occupy This".
When you see an Occupier, take both hands, hold them about a $5 footlong apart, then make a downward motion, ending with your hands near your hips. Make sure to loudly scream "Occupy This!" as you execute the move, and then hand the morons and community college dropouts an old copy of the local paper, opened to the want ads. Wanna fix the problem? Wanna be the solution? Here's how:
Get a job. Pay your taxes. Vote. STFU.
If you do all of these things, then do them more wisely. Do not do business with those who you think are stealing or cheating or molesting their secretaries. This is the right that thousands of men and women have laid their lives down for, fought for and proudly did so. Then pay your taxes to support those brave souls, and vote in people who will not abuse these people's desire to serve.
See how easy that is? Now get the f&%k out of the park so the sanitation people can come in and clean up after your slovenly asses. Oh, by the way, can you quit raping and killing people in your encampments? That would be greaaaat. #OccupyThis
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The good folks that populate the life of 7DB should be encouraged to take up a cause (preferably one with a goal, plan or common decency in terms of hygiene), be it one that is popular (Susan G. Komen, for example) or more obscure (Save The Red-Billed Wildebeests), as long as its all three of these things:
1) Close to your heart
2) Not illegal, or at least not taking up resources that we all pay taxes to provide, and
3) Serving somebody or something other than yourself.
Those three guidelines will provide the most satisfying contribution to your fellow man.
Or wildebeest.
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This downturn in the economy should be seen as an opportunity. The stakes are low, as is the bar of entry, for trying to launch a business (Internet advertising is almost free and increasingly effective) or charitable venture. When the economy recovers, the general public will discover dozens if not hundreds of new business ideas that were percolating in the cauldron during lean times. Those in position will thrive... and, no matter what those stinky wannabe hippies say, everyone wants to be the 1% of something.
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A man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm. The bartender pours the man a drink, then asks why he's carrying a duck. The man responds: I couldn't afford AFLAC.
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The holiday season is quickly coming to fruition, and the advertising has been in place long enough to collect dust (really, WalMart? Christmas trees for sale in JUNE? This is not Bronner's Christmas Warehouse in Frankenmuth, MI. WTH?), but there are some handy tips to keep in mind when it comes to shopping.
Don't.
Almost everything you want to give as a gift has been on sale for months before now, and everything is on sale on the Web, so going to a store at 3:00 a.m. after a night of sneaking leftover turkey legs into bed seems not only stupid, but counterproductive. Don't let the holiday season become a chore. It is, after all, a holiday. Rest, smile, give your loved ones hugs and kisses, eat some non-PETA approved seasonal food and do your shopping before the eleventh hour. You'll thank yourself later.
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This column has been bereft of sports-related takes thus far, so allow me to briefly take a whack at two:
Fantasy Football right now is either awesome or it sucks, depending on your team's fortunes. The only responsibility you have to the league that you are in is to set a lineup on time. All the weeks start on Thursday from now on, so fill in a lineup already. Win or lose, the smack talking on the league's front page is what we all do it for anyways (since gambling is illegal and all)...
The second sporty topic is not really sports-related, but it does involve the morass in Happy Valley. Penn State is a mess, and 7DB is not jumping back into the politics of that right now. Instead, something to keep in mind about the victims.
As a societal concept, victims of abuse are trapped in a cycle of suffering for the rest of their lives. Permanently damaged. A nod to Deadspin columnist Drew Magary for writing on the matter before this column did, as the national media crush is playing the "I'm more sympathetic to the children than you are" act to the hilt. The Holier Than Thou tone of the coverage, including the interview conducted by Bob Costas of the fallen Coach Sandusky, is insulting to these (and all) victims of crimes like this. (To be fair, this columnist just learned that Costas had less than 30 minutes to prepare for the interview, so it is somewhat understandable that he could not contain the emotional responses. Costas did not back down from tough questions, either, and may have helped seal Sandusky's fate. That man is mentally ill, and in need of help immediately.)
Justice being served will be a major part of the healing process for many of the victims, but handling their progress on their own terms is also important. Pretending that people with Internet access know better than the victims themselves what is needed in this instance is infuriating in its arrogance.
For those who know sexual abuse victims personally, most would agree that it is a topic that they don't often bring up at social gatherings. Reliving the horrors of those events is rarely on their Bucket List, so stop volunteering to be their shoulder to cry on. Do what good people do: Listen. When a friend or loved one is a victim of this type of crime, many strive for life to be close to normal as often as possible. When they need to talk, they will reach out to those who are good listeners, not those with the mightiest soap box. Be a good friend to those you care about, and let the systems we voted for and believe in do their job. Then, the concept of moving forward can become a reality.
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Some collection of schlubs have discovered that, by watching the newspapers carefully, they can find out when old people die and their storage units will be auctioned off. A recent story on the front page of Yahoo! tells of one of these bidders on abandoned storage units finding more than $500,000 worth of gold bars and collectible coins in a Rubbermaid container, one that was abandoned when the elderly lady who owned it passed away.
There is apparently a strategy in the storage unit auction biz that says doing thee research is the way to get paid. By watching the obituaries, then reading about the auctions over the next few months, people can discern when a unit is more likely to have collectibles inside, then bid higher on those with a better likelihood of a return on their investment.
Quick question for you obviously well-educated mortuary chasers: What did you do before this in life that left you picking over human carrion?
Note to self: Have a will, and a road map to all my stuff. I'd rather some angry teenager that is related to me blew all of my estate on coke and midget hookers than let one of these lecherous chain-smoking coffin thieves near it. It speaks poorly of our world that these people can sustain their lives this way. 7DB personally hopes they run into some of that person's not-so-well off relatives who had to work two jobs for six months and sell of their grandfather's pocket watch to pay for a funeral, while they floss with hundred dollar bills stolen from the family's estate. Then the would-be heirs figure it out, and mete out some prison-style gratitude.
(After re-reading this, 7DB is not sure why this draws out anger as much as it does. It is pretty crappy, though. No question there.)
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As a final thought, the Editorial Staff of Seven Dollar Bill is beginning to learn that everybody has a condition. The latest example is something called Shift Work Sleep Disorder. It involves being cranky, feeling less than ideal and suffering from higher blood pressure and other semi-common symptoms.
Producing morning television would make one a perfect candidate for clinical trials on the matter, but it raises a larger question, one that 7DB will thank Seth Meyers from Saturday Night Live for putting so eloquently: Really? Not sleeping when it's dark out is bad for you? Sleeping during daylight hours is difficult? Really? Oh, and not sleeping well can have bad effects on your health? Next thing you're gonna say, it's bad to not eat properly or exercise. What is this world coming to? You mean I shouldn't try to juggle chainsaws while they're running? Really?
If something is so obvious and it makes things less than ideal, we all have an individual responsibility to change the circumstance for ourselves. Quit waiting for your insurance to cover the meds, damnit.
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